The Continuum of Restorative Responses
Restorative Responses can vary greatly in terms of number of people involved and complexity. This can be simply put as a continuum of response. There are no hard and fast rules about which response is ideal for any given circumstance but some basic guidelines are described below. During the resolution of a harm or a disagreement/conflict a facilitator may call on elements of all of the responses.
- Choose not to take offence
At the lowest level Christians can make a choice to ignore a 'hurt'. God clearly commends Christians to do this as exemplified in Proverbs 19v11 where we read "A man's discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression".Indeed through the position of God given Grace in our lives, there is an expectation that we pour out grace on others. We should be looking for opportunities to forgive as Christ forgives us - so completely he forgets our sins and then doesn't deal with us differently in the future. Therefore if there is a limit to how much can be 'ignored' then it should be either when we cannot ignore it without finding it hard to forgive and 'forget'; perhaps due to the level of harm or where there is a recognisable pattern of behaviour that unless challenged is likely to see others hurt in the future. In these cases we need to be prepared to go and see our 'offenders'.
- Tell someone they have hurt or upset you
When a hurt is going to effect your relationship with another person unless that hurt is acknowledged and repaired then you should go and see your 'offender'. This is the stage we see so clearly in Matthew 5:23-24, "Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering." God hates seeing unresolved hurt and unforgiveness in our lives, which is why he wants us to resolve it before we present ourselves to him through communion. Resolving an issue with a brother not only helps prevent further harm to yourself and others but is also for the good of the person causing the harm as is shown in Matthew 18v15 "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother." But remember this kind of challenge should be undertaken gently and in love so that it is received as it is meant. If you are not sure that the challenge will be accepted or you will not be heard then it is time to get help.
The use of an independant 'go-between' to pass information back and forwards between those involved. If a challenge to hurtful behaviour is not accepted or perhaps where there is a perceived power inbalance then the use of a mediator is invaluable. This person should meet with both parties and hear their perspectives and then relay them back to the opposing party. The aim should be to get the parties to desire to meet privately and resolve the issue together. The phrase indirect means that the facilitator would not aim to be present at this meeting but would only mediate the exchanging of information. This system is also useful if one of the parties is not ready or prepared to resolve the issue due to non acceptance of responsibility or refusal to forgive. It then allows the mediator to move to a less neutral stance and bring God's wisdom to play in working with those parties individually.
A meeting between both parties run by an independant facilitator. If either party doesn't feel able to meet face to face without a neutral party facilitating then the a fully facilitated conference should be arranged. The facilitator needs to prepare both parties thoroughly to ensure that the meeting doesn't take place unless they are happy that the outcome will be a positive one. Unless all parties are happy to proceed then indirect mediation should be used. Running a facilitated conference also allows other parties such as church leaders or family members to be involved so that everyone concerned can be heard and have their needs recognised. It is imporant that the facilitator prevents the main focus of the meeting being lost; that of repairing harm and restoring right relationships.
This is similar to the above but involves a much larger number of participants and would be ideal for leadership teams, PCC and other church structural groups as well as potentially whole church conferences. These are often large and complicated peices of work and are not something to be undertaken by inexperienced facilitators but can be hugely successfull in resolving conflicts that might otherwise end in church splits or other destructive outcomes.
